Journal: Priscilla Papers
Volume: PP 07:4 (Fall 1993)
Article: Being Single In A Couples’ World: Gender Roles, Identity, And Contentment
Author: Howard E. Frost

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PP 7:4 (Fall 1993) p. 1

Being Single In A Couples’ World:
Gender Roles, Identity, And Contentment

Howard E. Frost

Kaye V. Cook

About the authors: Dr. Frost is a political scientist working in the Washington, D.C. area. He is single and in his late thirties. Dr. Cook is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at Gordon College, Wenham, MA. Married with two young children, she was single until her late thirties. Together with Dr. Lance Lee, Drs. Frost and Cook wrote Man and Woman. Alone and Together: Center Roles. Intimacy and Identity in a Chanting Culture (Victor Books, 1992). Their book was chosen by Christianity Today as one of the top five Christian books published in 1992 on contemporary issues, and is available from the CBE Book Service.

For many people today, singleness feels like an embarrassment, a reason for apology, a motivation for therapy. We are asked if we are “called” to singleness, but no one ever asks if one is “called” to marriage. We have to “deal with” singleness. No one ever talks about “dealing with” marriage, although all marriages are sometimes stressful experiences. We may be asked “Why are you single?” but no one would ever think to ask “Why are you married?”

Especially if we are single beyond a particular age — whether 25, 30, 35 — singleness may dominate our worries and our friends’ or family’s conversations. After a certain age, though —40 or 45, maybe —people no longer dare mention it. Those of us who are single begin to question God’s provisions for us, to worry about our own attractiveness, or struggle to avoid even thinking about the issue, putting on a brave and unconcerned front. “God will provide,” we say, while secretly wondering if God will For too many of us, ending our singleness becomes a mark of our happiness, of our mental health.

Singleness, of course, is not an embarrassment, nor necessarily God’s “second best.” Indeed, for some, marriage may be “second best.” Singleness should not be viewed as a “holding stage,” even for those who would like to get married, nor should it be seen as some sort of “default mode” for those who choose not to seek a marriage partner. If we think about fellow Christians who feel called to serve God without a marriage partner for the duration of their life, is it appropriate to wonder if God — in calling them to life as a single person—is ignoring their best interests? Certainly not!

Singleness should be thought of not as a problem, but as a type of living with its own advantages and disadvantages, its own opportunities for service to God. The increased singleness in American society is a cultural and economic phenomenon characteristic of our society since th...

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